World Wide Web Wednesday 04.29.09...that isn't

While I would LOVE to amaze and astound all 5 of you with my idea of what constitutes The Best of the Internets This Week, the only places I've visited have been limited to VRBO.com and TripAdvisor.com in preparation for our trip to Gulf Shores this summer.

And I've spent about 62 of the last 48 hours researching condos to rent. The math doesn't add up, but that's the price you pay for research. Or something like that.

Instead of cool links, I'll share with you a little tidbit of self-discovery that's been brought to light by All The Research. Because if the countless hours I've spent mindlessly ascertaining the differences between Condos 1 through 2000 can't promote a little soul-searching and introspection, what can?

The big confession? Apparently I'm a commitment-phobe.

Take, for instance, my search for the perfect condo for super cheap. And I only have to sort through hundreds of dozens of units that all start to look the same after awhile, comparing location, amenities, and number/sizes of beds. But I'm so afraid I'll choose the bedbug infested, mildew ridden one that I can't stop researching and digging to make sure I'm getting the best deal out there.

Take, for instance, this rugged specimen of a table:

I'm no photographer, but my camera settings managed to catch the layer of dust on the rungs underneath beautifully. Petrified dust aside (can dust petrify?), I have lofty plans to paint it and mod podge some decorative paper to the top so it will match Piper's room decor.

But when I went into the local craft store for decorative paper, my head nearly exploded from all the choices! The paper choices were approximately equal to the number of condos at Gulf Shores. Which is to say, a million.

Besides picking paper, I have to paint the thing. Do I paint it cream to match the paper? Do I paint in lavender and chance it blending in with the wall? Do I paint it black even though the paperIchosedoesn'thaveanyblackbutit
willstillcoordinatewitheverythingelse....???!!!!

The stress is palpable.

And it's entirely possible that I may be too high strung.

AI: Top 5

In the words of Paula Abdul, I'm going to keep this short.

And I'm going to repeat adjectives for emphasis. Stellar adjectives that are stellarly stellar stellar stellar.

Tonight's theme? Rat Pack.

Bless Kris's heart. He gently reminds us that all the members of the Rat Pack have passed away.

So AI gave us the next best thing... Jamie Foxx??

In a brief brainstorming session about the length of time that it takes for us to fast forward through the commercials, Jason and I came up with roughly 148 people who might have made better "Rat Pack" style mentors than Jamie Foxx. Roughly. But Jamie did play Sammy Davis Jr. on In Living Color. Who else can claim that? So maybe he is the most qualified after all.

I will admit that it seems like he was a fine mentor, using all his classically trained skills.

Now to the performances.

Kris: First of all, I LOVE THIS SONG! OK, it's a bit awkward how he's carrying that mic around weirdly like he's rocking it out when he's really crooning. But overall, I loved the crooning. Beautiful performance!

And I think Paula got her lips injected this week. Or her face is channeling Goldie Hawn.

Allison: I thought the beginning was a little weak as she tried to tone down some of her power, but it definitely picked up in the middle. I don't think she really "got" the song though. That's what's missing with Al. Do you think she minds if I call her Al? She's a great singer, but she can't really channel the emotion that comes through experience. The judges loved it, though.

Matt: He's doing something weird with his mouth and his words ala Jessica Simpson style. Other than that, and besides the fact that I like Matt better with an instrument (but I like any musician better with an instrument. It makes them more musical), I thought he did a nice job.

Danny: I can totally see him winning. 'Nuff said. And if he doesn't win, he'll certainly get a recording contract that will win him a Dove award or 20.

Adam: Well, I think AI might need a new mic after tonight. Doesn't Adam know we're having a swing flu outbreak and he needs to keep his mouth particles to himself? And I thought he was really bringing the theatrics tonight. Really?!?! Adam?!?! Theatrical?!?!? Huh.

I think Matt or Allison is going home. So if you'll excuse me, I've got to go vote for Kris (because I love him) and Matt (because I want him to stick around).

Truth can be funnier than fiction

Sometimes blogs write themselves. Sometimes I don't even have to add any embellishment (not that I would do that) for a story to be just plain funny. Sort of like what happened to me today.

I received a text today from an unknown number. The conversation went something exactly like this:

Random Stranger: Susan?

Me: Nope

Random Stranger: Crap...sorry.

Me: No problem.

Random Stranger: It is if I don't find Susan!

For once I almost typed "LOL" and actually MEANT it.

Bizarre Foods

Jason LOVES to watch Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern on the Travel Channel. Unfortunately, even listening to Mr. Zimmern simply describe the foods he's eating makes me want to lose my lunch.

No offense, Mr. Zimmern. I'm sure you're a lovely person. You certainly have taste buds of steel. But I'm not sure if I admire you or if I am disgusted by you.

And I may be onto a new weight loss plan! Just watch Bizarre Foods and never have an appetite to eat again! Patent pending.

Even though Jason could be considered a foodie, I have a more...ahem...discriminating palate.

I blame my mom (love you, mom!). The only veggies we had to eat growing up were potatoes, green beans, peas, or corn. And I'm pretty sure 3 out of the 4 don't technically qualify as vegetables.

I'm sure my mom would defend her choices by insisting that my sister and I refused to try new things even if she fixed it, thus creating a vicious cycle of pickiness, but this blog isn't about her defense (still love you mom!).

So back to me, food stuffs like artichokes, capers, spinach never crossed the threshold of my lips until I went to college and my roommates cooked with all of it. They were FAYN-CEE roomies.

Considering my food discrimination tendencies, it shouldn't have surprised me when Micah infomed Jason that he doesn't like sandwiches.

The most innocuous food ever invented in all mankind.

His reasoning was that he likes bread, and he likes meat, but he doesn't like meat and bread together.

And thus we submitted further DNA to determine exactly TO WHOM these children belong.

I was surprised, however, when he came home from a field trip to our local wetlands with the following information.

"Mommy, can we eat dinner at the wetlands?"

My initial thought was that putting a concession stand in a watery habitat seemed a little counterintuitive. You know, with all the nature and earthiness of it all. Carbonated HFCS and bags of processed chemicals flavored like fried potatoes was a bit dichotomous in my estimation. When I asked Micah what was on the menu, he replied, "Cattails."

"As in the plant?"

"Yeah. The guy told us that you can eat cattails, but only some of them. Some are poisonous. He even let us taste them! Can we go back to the wetlands and eat more cattails?"

"Sweetie, I wouldn't know the difference between the good ones and the poisonous ones," trying to reason with him. AS IF WE WOULD EAT THEM EVEN IF I DID KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

What I wanted to say was that I was (am) completely unable to come up with any reason why I would EVER eat a cattail. Unless I needed a brain transplant and Andrew Zimmern was the only available donor.

The conversation quickly turned into the kind of downward spiral that conversations with 6 year olds often do when said child thinks he is offering perfectly reasonable explanations for why one's family should go vegetarian in a glorified man-made swamp. And ended with, "No, because I said so." In my most intelligent-sounding adult tone.

The next morning, before the boys ate breakfast, I had to clean my breakfast counter. Because I'm so efficient like that. I used my homemade solution of vinegar scented with peppermint oil, and when Micah came in he said, "It smells like mint in here."

We sometimes call him Captain Obvious.

Then he continued, "You know, we ate mint at the wetlands."

WHAT?!?! Let me get this straight, son: You're acceptable selection of foods is pretty limited to PB&J, macaroni and cheese, and assorted fruits. But when you go on a school field trip, you'll eat any manner of strange plant offered to you by a strange man.

Does that about sum it up?

It's quite possible that Jason and I need to take a trip out to the wetlands ourselves, not only to shake this miracle worker's hand, but also to offer him a position cooking in our kitchen.

World Wide Web Wednesday 04.22.09

Happy Earth Day, everyone! In honor of Earth Day, I wish my links had something to do with Earth. But not all wishes can come true. I've come to grips with that. Won't you?

My first link today is this great article about why we all love Susan Boyle. If you don't know who Susan Boyle is, may I ask why you hate humanity so much? (Thanks for the link Craig.)

Totally worth your 200 seconds:
100 Best Movie Lines in 200 Seconds (Thanks, KPG!)

And finally, the reason why I purchased whole wheat flour AND bread flour for the first time last night... I'm totally making these rolls tonight! I was going to make them last night, but the excitement of the flour purchase left me with nothing but a desire to sit on the couch and watch AI. My motivation is a fragile flower.

AI Recap: Top 7 AGAIN

Once I recovered from my AI deja-vu, with it being Top 7 AGAIN, I realized they cut out the cheesy interview/video intros. Assumedly (I just made that word up) for the sake of time. Which tells me there is a Lord and he does care about my DVR.

So here's my measly $0.02 on tonight's performances.

Lil: My first thought was, "Lead me not into cruise ship performances and deliver me from All The Whitney Houston Karaoke." I know this song was done prior to Whitney, but also by a more powerful singer than Lil. I just know the Whitney version best. It seems like this song has been done once or 200 times. But maybe it's just that someone always insists on undersinging this type of song every season. And Lil made the same AI choice of death. On her outfit, I was required to wear a similar head to toe spandex outfit at dance team practice circa the mid-90s.

Kris: Because I'm in the habit of either fast-forwarding through the Ryan Seacrest portions or just straight up ignoring him, I didn't recognize the song at first. But once Kris got to the chorus, I realized how much I LOVED the arrangement and LOVE his voice. He totally made it his own with sort of a Santana vibe, even though I thought the song choice was weird.

And OMG Paula said it sounded like Santana! I TOTALLY SAID THAT TO JASON BEFORE SHE SAID IT. I SWEAR ON A STACK OF HYMNALS I DID!!!!

I'm voting for Kris.

Danny: He really changed things up this week. This time around, he STARTED with the belting. Then brings it down to just singing powerfully. Rather than the other way around. Interesting switch Danny. But don't get me wrong, I love his voice and think he's a great singer. I thought he looked a little like Robert Downey Jr. with the stubble this evening. I also saw a sign that said GO GO Gokey, which totally reminded me that I thought he looked like Inspector Gadget a few weeks ago. Long story short, I liked it.

Allison: She must have been on the brink of heat stroke in those leather leggings. Jason thought she was dressed as a disco ball, which fit right in with the theme AND cracked me up. I didn't love the arrangement, but it was original. My overall impression was that I didn't like the performance, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. I would kill as an AI judge, what with all my technical musical knowledge.

Speaking of musical knowlegde: Kara, SHUT.UP with your musical trivia. We get it. You're trying to casually remind everyone who hates you that you DO have judging credibility because you're such an industry icon. We still don't care who won a grammy for what song, or when it was all recorded or whatever. And are you contractually-bound to mention the original recording artist after every performance? PLEASE.STOP.TALKING. I said please. PLEASE.

Adam: He still has a great voice, but I'm over the screaming. Paula stood up for his performance which means...absolutely nothing. Because she stands up for everyone. There was nothing that I'll remember about this performance except that Paula used the word visceral.

Matt: I don't think this song showed off his vocal range very well, but it did get better as he went on. I love Matt, but I think he's in some serious danger. Kris, Danny, and Adam all had more original performances. Matt's only hope is that people agree Anoop and Lil were worse. The judges loved his performance, though, so what do I know? Oh, except Simon. So maybe I know more than I thought.

Anoop: OK, Anoop just can't entertain like the other guys can. I think he has reached the limit of his AI talent. His voice is good, but I thought his vocals were pitchy. He missed the first note and the last note which is not a good standard. And Anoop, 1991 called. They want their sneakers back. Simon said it was mediocre at best. I agree.

In a perfect world, I'd like to see Anoop and Lil go home.

Kris was hands down my favorite.

An Open Letter to the Young Man Who Placed His Workout Mat Too Close to Mine

Dear Young Man,

I realize that my referring to you as "young man," and the fact that I am approximating your age to be around 12 based on your baby face, probably means that I am aging much faster than I'd like to admit. Because your well-built biceps and your lack of parental guardian tell me that you're actually well past puberty, but not old enough to know how to keep from ticking off a room full of unfit women.

When you enter a crowded exercise class filled with women old enough to have given birth to you (myself excluded), you must know that the fact that you are the lone male in the class does not give you the right to invade someone else's workout space.

Placing your mat too close to someone else's is the exercise equivalent of being a close talker. There are invisible boundaries, man! And women who are already placing all their mental and emotional energy into NOT DYING from the muscle crampage and thus embarrassing themselves in public have considerably less tolerance for boundary infractions. Generally speaking.

I'll admit, at first I was inspired by your invasive presence. I was not going to let a punk kid like you show me up. Even though I've been pregnant 3 times and probably have a huge black hole of diastasis in my abs, I've been doing Pilates twice a week for the last 6 weeks and this was only your second class. I was determined to prove I was the stronger of the two of us.

But after about 26 seconds of inspiration, I was so over you. I was ready to admit defeat in the competition taking place in my head. You won abs, young man. But I was pretty pleased that I SCHOOLED you in thighs, glutes, AND flexibility. Plus my small weighted ball was a full pound heavier than yours. Take THAT, dude!

Not to mention my utter delight over the fact that you appeared to be suffering just as much as rest of us.

But even the satisfaction I gained from beating you in some execrcises did not supercede my total irritation when our arms kept hitting awkwardly as we did that weird arm circle exercise. Or when you refused to do the leg circles in the same direction as me and thus we kept running into one another.

And when a woman is exerting the kind of mental, physical, and emotional effort required to hold it together in that class, the trip to total annoyance is a short one.

There are unwritten rules of group exercise classes, lad. But maybe you should try Googling them to see if the internets contains a written record of them somewhere so that you are less likely to overstep your invisible bounds in the future.

Most importantly, when you come to a group exercise class LATE, you should be prepared to choose a less desirable spot rather than turning my piece of prime real estate into a proverbial wasteland where neither of us gets the full benefit of the workout.

I appreciate your consideration of this matter.

Sincerely,

Territorial Workout Mom