Saturday, March 28, 2009

The blessedness has come to an end

Much to my dismay, sadness, disappointment, etc. I believe I must, at last, admit defeat. I'm fairly certain that Cade's circadian rhythm has finally made the complete adjustment to Daylight Savings Time.

How do I know this, you might ask?

I heard his feet hit the floor at 6:28 Friday morning. On an old pier and beam foundation, you can pretty much hear a thud if someone drops a paper napkin on the floor.

I awoke 2 despised minutes prior to my alarm going off with Cade at the foot of my bed asking if he could get into bed with us. Sure. Because he always falls back to sleep immediately rather than making a million annoying noises with his mouth and attempting to use my semi-sleeping body as resistance to strengthen his legs and arms.

And it's not as if he's going to go back to sleep when I was getting out of bed and heading for the shower.

This morning? It was 7:11 when I heard the boys fighting. It's like waking up to a rooster crowing. You can pretty much count on it coming early. Only it's considerably less pleasant. And if you're thinking that waking up to a crowing rooster is NOT on your list of Pleasant Ways to be Awakened, then you know how much worse it is around our household.

Ah well, Sleeping In and I had a good run. It was glorious while it lasted. Maybe we'll see each other again someday. Until then, I'll be dreaming about it.

Exhausted Forever,

One Tired Mama

Friday, March 27, 2009

The DNA tests may prove she doesn't belong to me

Because the boys had such great days, respectively, at school last Tuesday, and because I got home from my pilates class so late, it was a perfect excuse to give into the boys' repeated requests to eat at a local fast food italian joint. This particular establishment offers a Tuesday special that boasts a trio of spaghetti, fettucini, and a slice of pizza for $2.99. Because we are totally into exotic culinary experiences.

If you are suspicious of the quality of food one can purchase for $2.99, then you should pay close attention to your gut instincts. In this case, you definitely get what you pay for in the quality department.

Still, it was cheap and the breadsticks (FREE!) are to die for. When deciding what to order for our 3 little angels, it was decided that the boys would split a special. That just left Missy. So I did the obvious- I asked her what she wanted.

Her response was anything but obvious.

"Sa-yed." (2 yr. old speak for "salad").

I'm sorry, did I hear you correctly, sweetie? What do you want for dinner?



So I ordered her a garden salad.

Any innocent patron of said restaurant who might have been surveying our table must have had the passing thought that they should make an immediate call to CPS. 4 of us were chowing down on marinara-smothered carbs while our little darling munched on rabbit food. Like we were the crazy parents putting our toddler on a diet.

If I've ever in my life craved salad, it has only been the kind covered in bacon, croutons, cheese. And drowned in ranch. With some carrots thrown in for token nutrients. Yet Missy is now asking for salad at every turnaround. Just tonight when we asked her what she wanted for dinner, her response was, "I wan say-ed." SERIOUSLY?!?!?! She's begging for salad. Literally. At this moment.

I carried her inside of me for 40 weeks. I delivered her after only a few hours of induced labor. I've been there for her, loving her and teaching her for the last 2 1/2 years. But right now, I'm not convinced she's mine.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I need a life

After reading this post of Boomama's yesterday, I had such enormously high expectations of scoring a $2 dress that I did the unthinkable. I went to the store-that-must-not-be-named ALONE and AFTER DARK. I NEVER go ALONE and AFTER DARK. It's a self-preservation technique. But desperation makes one throw caution to the wind.

I did legitimately needed a few items that couldn't wait. Namely, Smucker's Uncrustables PB&J sandwiches. Because we ran out. And the ham-and-cheese I packed in Micah's lunch went completely untouched (I suspect he never even removed it from its baggie home). And because I'm too lazy busy in the mornings to take the time to spread the sandwich makings on the bread.

Be that as it may, the possibility of the CHEAP DRESS was too irresistible to keep me away. I may have found myself breathing an urgent prayer that I might find THE DRESS on the clearance rack. I think that indicates that my prayer life needs a bit of work. Please pray for me.

I landed a shopping cart and set off to locate the clearance racks. I felt my spirit fall a notch when I noticed that the cheapest signage I saw was $3. My dress was supposed to be $2, but I was determined to not lose all hope.

I circled each rack carefully, like a vulture circling its prey. Or like those bored polar bears in zoos that just swim around and around. I've heard it's because they need more enrichment. It's quite possible my life needs deeper enrichment. Unless you count risking life and limb by shopping at the-store-who-must-not-be-named after 8:00 PM? Don't answer that.

I circled and I circled, inspecting each cheaply made garment for any sign of a sleeveless spectacle. And there were some very cheap spectacles, namely a substantial amount of clothing with large gold adornments or patches of material missing where one should ALWAYS have fabric. And lots of elastic waistbands. I'm definitely NOT ready to embrace the elastic. Not just yet.

After going around and around so many times that I got a little dizzy, my suspicions were confirmed and I admitted defeat. There were no cheap summer dresses being clearanced at my store. To add insult to injury, some sandals I had been eyeing, but put off purchasing because they were marked too high (according to my arbitrary scale of pricing goods at the-store-that-must-not-be-named), had all disappeared. They must have hit clearance when I wasn't looking. Which means that it was sometime between March 22nd and March 24th. Dang.

Clearly Boomama has a better prayer life than I. But I'll be keeping an eye out for some more serious markdowns. Because my life is full of enrichment.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

World Wide Web Wednesday 03.24.09

A couple of funnies and one really serious...

If you love your cats like Angela Martin on The Office loves hers, then this may be for you: Kitty Wigs. I'm having a hard time believing it's real, but sadly I think it is. (Shout out to @miraclemandy for that one!)

Forget Size does matter!

And finally, please pray for Stellan. Mckmama started the "Not me!" Monday blog carnival. Her littlest guy is very sick right now. CHeck out her blog for the latest details.

Happy Wednesday!!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 I miss thee

The last few days have been so incredibly full that I've been left with little time for any "extras." And for now, blogging is considered an "extra."

So what have I been doing? I can't really say. And not because it's top secret. Just because I'm not really sure.

We did have some friends in town on Friday night, which was a blessing beyond belief! We all went out to dinner at 7:00. Yes, that's PM. Because everyone knows that's when the crowds begin to form and what could be better than waiting to be seated for 45 minutes with 3 hungry and rambuctious children in a large crowd? However, it was so incredible to be able to visit with old friends over great food. We're Baptist... everything good happens over food.

It's also great fun to put one's children to bed at 10:00 on a Friday night after said dinner. You know why? Because they actually SLEEP LATE on Saturday. So while the means might have been somewhat frazzling to my nerves, the ends was completely justified. Cade, our earliest riser, slept until 8:00!

That might not sound so tempting to any child-free folks out there, but waking at 8:00 means he can watch one good hour of his "shows" before I have to peel myself from beneath the sheets to make breakfast. And that's parenting bliss right there, y'all.

Saturday, my wonderful mother-in-law came for a visit and we all went shopping at the outlet mall. Our original venture was to try to score some cheap flatware at the Oneida store close-out, but that was a bust.

Instead, we got Missy's ears pierced. Which, in hidsight, might not have been the best idea considering that when I threatened to take them out if she didn't hold still during one of our three (!!) daily cleanings, she began to plead and scream, "Take them out! Take them out!" It was a threat I was not good for. For she is still wearing her "er"rings today. She's also adopting some ghetto vernacular, apparently.

Sunday brought church, a body-shaping class (I'm becoming a more well-defined lump) at the Y, and laundry. I actually folded several loads (that had been clean and piled since last week), but I haven't put them away. I also began my bi-annual clothing preparation for our local consignment sale. Which means that I'm fighting desperately to keep our currently-clean-and-folded-laundry from getting mixed in with piles of last year's spring and summer stuff. And failing miserably.

Yesterday at work, I actually had to DO WORK. How novel. And it's shaping up to be another fast-paced week. I hope I can keep up!

(*Also wanted to add that I have over 100 blogs to read in my google reader. I'm so far behind I may never catch up. So if I normally comment on your site, please pardon my absence. I beg your forgiveness.)

Friday, March 20, 2009

Blog Party!

I came across a link for the 2009 Ultimate Blog Party! Sounds like a blast! I'm always up for discovering new blogs, so I'm joining in... My link is about the thousandth one on there (day late, dollar short, per usual), so I doubt many will find me, but it will be fun blog hopping with everyone else.

Ultimate Blog Party 2009

Click the button in this post or on my sidebar if you want to join the fun, too!

Spring has Sprung!

Clever title, huh? I had a hard time reigning in my creative juices with that one. It was between that title or "Happy Spring." But something about the alliteration made the chosen title slightly more desirable.

But let's just get really excited here for a minute. Because TODAY is the FIRST day of spring!!!

We all know what spring means, right? The arrival of spring means that it's time to finally shed that winter coat. And by "shed that winter coat" I mean I have to start shaving my legs on a regular basis again. Seriously.

My lower limbs haven't seen the light of day since sometime back in November, except for that one time I had to visit the, ahem, OB/Gyn for my annual visit. And that's all I'm going to say on THAT matter. Except that I did shave that day. Because no way was I going to expose Chewbacca legs to two complete strangers.

Besides that doctor visit and showering, my legs have been mercifully covered by all manner of leg wear: pants, jeans, tights, etc. Alas, Texas is getting MUCH too warm for this style of apparel.

Which brings me to my yearly quandry. When, exactly, do I begin the process of exposing my legs to the sun, yea even to other PEOPLE who appreciate SIGHT?

I was cursed with skin that absolutely refuses to color. I'm not albino, but pretty close. Saying I'm "fair" doesn't even begin to describe it, although somebody actually called me peaked once. Not only am I white as a ghost, but I also look sickly to boot? Thanks.

I'm the type of person that can hardly find foundation in a pale enough shade.

Not only do I not tan under normal Texas sun circumstances, but I refuse to go to tanning beds because I have several of the indicators that put me at high risk for skin cancer (fair skin, light eyes, and family history). Plus, I'm not too keen on frying up my inner parts. I'm still using them for now.

When I do get sun, it's burn, baby, burn. Then I peel the layers all the way back to white. Except for all the freckles. If I'm really lucky, the sheer amount of freckles dotting my skin begin to run together and look like some sort of mottled tan.

So back to my dilemma. I face it every year. Do I just uncover for unlimited amounts of time each day and pray I don't get sued for the eye damage someone might experience if they stare at my legs too long? It's like looking directly into the sun.

Or do I expose them for just a few minutes at a time until everyone has adjusted to the glare?

It's exactly like entering a really cold swimming pool. It doesn't matter if you jump in quickly or lower your body in slowly. The result is the same. The pool doesn't get any warmer- your body adjusts.

My legs aren't going to get any darker no matter what I do, so my best defense is probably to just embrace the Season of the Self-Tanner. Until November when I can cover them up again.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Just a quick note...

I'm watching the AI results show. Paula just said that she can't believe any of them are in the bottom 3. I have a question for Ms. Abdul: HAVE YOU NEVER WATCHED THIS SHOW BEFORE??

I realize she is a performer and not a mathematician, but does she have ANY IDEA what the probability is of all 11 contestants garnering the EXACT same number of votes? I don't have alot of math smarts either, but I'm pretty sure the chances would be something like one in a million. Lay off the goofy juice, Paula.

American Idol Recap: Top 11

There are probably a million and enough AI recaps out there today without my measly two cents, and I'm jumping on the bandwagon a little late (as usual), but I just have some things I'd like to say about last night's performances. I can't promise that I'll recap regularly, so let's just relish this moment together, shall we? Or ignore this moment completely because it ultimately means nothing. N-E-WAY....

Michael Sarver: I think he's reminiscent of Josh Gracin from Season 2. Not a powerhouse singer, but a likeable entertainer. He'll probably get a country deal, cut an album or two and make enough so that his family is set. And that will be all we'll hear from him.

Allison Iraheta
: I thought she was little bit country, a little bit rock-n-roll, but I'm not a huge fan. It was a solid performance, though.

Kris Allen: Is this guy 12? He has SUCH a baby face!! AND that baby face can SING! For some reason, I still don't find him incredibly memorable.

Lil Rounds: Country is NOT her genre, but she rocked that gorgeous necklace! I thought the performance was flat, figuratively and literally. But she probably has enough fan base to carry her through to the next round.

Adam Lambert: KA-THUNK! KA-THUNK! KA-THUNK!! Did anyone else hear that thudding noise? It was Johnny Cash rolling over in his grave. Dear Adam: LAY OFF THE FOUNDATION. And the SCREAMING. Thank you.

Scott MacIntyre: A decent performance. Scott's got an easy listening, Bruce Hornsby kind of vibe. Is Bruce Hornsby still alive? Is he still making records? I have no idea.

Alexis Grace: I thought Brooke White performed Jolene better last season. But Alexis was good. I wasn't sure what Kara was talking about when she said Alexis didn't show enough angst in her song choice. If losing your man to another woman isn't angst, then clearly I need angst lessons.

Danny Gokey: Hate the song, but he rocked it. Dressed like Inspector Gadget.

Anoop Desai: I got CHILLS during this performance. CHILLS!!!! What an excellent spin on classic Willie. Anoop reminds me of Clay Aiken in that he's got a goofy/nerdy vibe, but awesome pipes!

Megan Joy
: What happened to her real last name? She must have stolen a play out of Alexis's book (I'm assuming "Grace" is her middle name), but the problem is it's TOO LATE. We already know her real name. I got so distracted by her arm flapping and hip swinging that I barely noticed how her hair hanging down in the back made it look like she hadn't shaved her armpits, like, ever. I have one word for this girl: obnoxious.

Matt Giraud: It really bugs me that his last name is one letter off from those ridiculously expensive jeans I coveted in junior high. I never owned a pair of Girbauds. Or Z. Cavariccis. But I yearned for them every day of my adolescent life. Until they went out of style and we all started wearing leggings with jumbo sized sweatshirts from Express. But I digress... I think Matt is a perfect combination of Billy Joel and Justin Timberlake. LOVE him!

It's going to be hard to choose my favorite. So far I'm liking Danny, Anoop, and Matt.

It will be interesting to see what happens tonight. I'd like to see the girls picked off one-by-one and leave the guys to duke it out. I can hardly stand the suspense!

World Wide Web Wednesday 03.18.09

Firstly, please be praying for my friend Emily. Our families go WAAAAYYY back- at least 25 years, but probably more. Her husband recently passed away. They have a little boy and she is pregnant with their 2nd child (a girl). I can't imagine the pain she must be experiencing during this tragic time.

I don't post much political stuff on my blog, but I found this article in Newsweek very interesting.

And finally at the great risk of promoting anything Britney Spears in nature, I just have to post this video of All American Rejects covering her song Womanizer. It cracks me up! And they're exactly right- they CAN do it better. If I'm being honest, the only Britney songs I've ever liked have been covers my some other band. This is awesome!

Monday, March 16, 2009

"Not Me!" Monday 03.16.09

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


This week was spring break, full of hilarity and adventures!! And I DIDN'T do so many things.

*I did NOT find it wildly hilarious when I overheard my 5 yr. old singing the All American Rejects song "Hope it Gives You Hell" to himself. I have never ever turned that song up once or 30 times super loud in the hoopty van to jam along so I have NO idea how he would have ever heard such a song, not to mention why he would repeat it.

*I did NOT go to a kick-butt body shaping class at the Y on Saturday morning and then come home and eat half of a Totinos frozen pizza all by myself. If I'm going to get fit, I'm going to do it right and that means only actual FOOD items. NOT Totinos pizza!!

*I did NOT avoid doing laundry for 3 days because our dog decided to use the laundry room floor as her personal litter box since she's too much a princess to go potty in the rain. I was NOT staying out of that room until J. got out there and cleaned the poo (and of course he did NOT wait that long to clean it up). And after that I wasn't the least bit upset when *I* had to clean the pee. Ugh.

Hope everyone else had a perfect week like me!!

Sunday, March 15, 2009


Although I often feel like the boys have stolen my very last nerve and stomped it with their small Skecher'ed feet, they do keep us laughing. Because if I don't laugh, I might cry.

For example, just the other evening we were driving home from a mexican food restaurant and Micah and I had a convo that went something like this (keep in mind that this brainiac is almost 7):

M: How do you blow a bubble?
Me: Are you chewing gum?!?!
M: Yes.
Me: Where did you get it?
M: Off the floor at the restaurant.
Me: (vomiting on the inside) Give me that! (I threw it out the window. Not that it was going to make any difference at that point.)
M: But it hadn't been chewed yet. (As though that explains why he PICKED CANDY UP OFF THE DIRTY FLOOR. Clearly, he has good reason. I'M the over-reactor, obviously.)


Cade marches to the beat of his own band. It's not a single drum- it's an entire orchestra in his head. That often causes him to not hear us when we speak. Which causes him to get into trouble. A lot.

Be that as it may, he loves to sing and has recently ventured out into song-writing. He and Micah wanted to write the next Billboard chart-buster the other day and they came up with the following titles for their lyrical masterpiece (I'm dead serious- I did not make these up):
*The Big Rush of Football
*The Coolness of the Wind
*Hey That's a Lock
and the ultimate winner..........
*Road on the Road (I'm not sure I'm philosophical enough to grasp the existential nature of this one)

They chose Road on the Road and the first 2 lines of lyrics were:

When I get on the road
I like to sing a song

And then Cade threw down some beatbox. It was magical. I think they have a future in the biz. Cade will be the creative genius while Micah will micro-manage. Hopefully they'll at least make enough Benjamins to put us in a ritzy nursing home.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

And the winner is....

I'm such a loser for not doing this sooner, but I finally drew a winner for my hairbow giveaway from SITS spring fling!

The winner is Katie!! So congratulations Katie!!! Get me your email address and I'll email you about all the particulars (which means getting your address so I know where to send the bows).

And b/c I was such a slacker in getting this done, I'm also including another set of snap clips that we have that Missy probably won't wear. So YAY Katie. And thanks again to EVERYONE who entered or stopped by on Spring Fling!

Friday, March 13, 2009

The rain and cold have worn out their welcome

What is it about cold rainy days that leave me feeling so...blah?

(Apparently, the weather is also taking a toll on my vocabulary.)

I have so many things on my "to-do" list that I'd like to complete before going back to work on Monday, but I just can't summon the motivation.

I thought maybe getting a little extra sleep might help and Jason even let me sleep in a bit this morning. And I totally would have. If the boys hadn't come to my side of the bed approximately 38 times asking me what channel their morning shows were on.

It's partly my fault, though. If I'd gotten it right the first time, they wouldn't have needed to keep asking. But I still don't know what channel is what here, so it was all one big early morning scavenger hunt. In my sleepy stupor. I could have gotten out of bed and changed the channel myself, but that would defeat the purpose of sleeping in, right?

(As if the purpose wasn't already defeated.)

The rain and the cold have turned up the cranky on everyone in this household. We desperately need some rainy day fun to brighten our moods. If you have a suggestion, leave me a comment!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Giveaway follow-up and spring break news

I've been so neglectful of my blog lately. I just haven't been able to think of anything worth sharing. Which is why I'll never be a bloggy rock star. The stress of having to be "on" EVERY.SINGLE.DAY would push me over the brink of sanity on which I spend most of my time teetering already.

So, my hairbow giveaway... I promise to select a winner and post it later this evening. I still have to write all the names down and choose one out and I've been putting that little 10 minute task off for no good reason. I could be doing it right now instead of blogging, but I'm not. So....

I truly appreciate all of you who stopped by my blog for SITS spring fling. It was fun, wasn't it? Anyway, keep checking back and if you win, I'll let you know ASAP.

We've been spring breaking 'round these parts this week and it hasn't gone exactly as I'd planned in my head. We spent the first few days at my parents house doing thrilling things like sitting around on the deck and watching the little angels dig in the dirt and weed the garden. My parents have a swingset, but the boys much prefer using the garden tools and getting filthy from head to toe. While the adults watched, occasionally refereeing arguments before one child got his eyes scratched out with a child-sized rake. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

It sounds like it might have been relaxing, but I'm one of those people who prefers to GO and DO. Unless I'm at my own home. Then it's much easier to sit on my rear catching up on my DVR'ed shows and playing on Facebook than tackling any real house chores. But when I'm not surrounded by an overwhelming amount of REAL LIFE, I like to be on the go and enjoy my limited liberation.

We got home Tuesday evening where I discovered that the Law of Entopy had enacted itself upon my house in our absence. The place was moderately neat when we left. I know this because I spent a large portion if the week before cleaning it. But we came home to a pigsty.

I wanted to take the boys on all kinds of fun outings, but the house was filthy, plus it was cold and rainy outside. The filth, the cold and the rain pretty much forced me to stay home on Wednesday and do nothing. At all. Not to mention my body is still adjusting to Daylight Savings Tine, which left me exceptionlly tired. So not only did I do nothing, but I took a nap to help me recover from the nothingness.

How long can DST be used as an excuse for laziness exhaustion? I'd like to think at least a full week.

But now the end of spring break is too quickly encroaching so we're squeezing All the Fun into a couple of days. I did manage to take the boys to the museum this morning and we're going swimming this afternoon. Who knows what tomorrow holds! But I'm hoping it's at least one more nap.

Monday, March 9, 2009

SITS Spring Fling Giveaway!!!

I've been MIA the last few days as the fam and I have been kicking off spring break with the grandparents and extended family. J. and I even had the opportunity to leave our angels with their Gunka (don't ask) and Poppa for a night. We went out to a movie, to dinner, and spent the night in a hotel to celebrate our 8th anniversary. The celebration was actually a bit early as TODAY is our actual anniversary. Yes, 8 years ago today I was 20 lbs. thinner and blissfully less aware of how incredibly difficult marriage would be. But it's been a wonderful journey. I don't even know where the last 8 years have gone.

I'm also terribly excited that today is the SITS Spring Fling!! SITS is a bloggy comment support group whose mission is to spread the coment love to other blogs. SUCH fun to discover other people's reality!!

For today's spring fling, I'm giving away HAIRBOWS!! After birthing 2 boys, I was determined to girl it UP when Missy was born. She rarely goes a day without a hair accessory of some sort. But now that her hair is longer, we're more into pairs of bows rather than singles and I found that we have several single bows going completely unloved. And taking up prime space pn the bow holder. So I found several that would really enjoy a new home with another girly girl who could use some bows.

The ones I'm giving away are on alligator clips. I'm sorry I don't have a picture, but I'm out of town and, being the goddess of organization that I am, didn't take a pic before I left. So the array will be a complete surprise, but I think there are 8 or 9 in the set.

You have the opportunity to enter 2 times:
1) Leave me a comment.
2) Become a follower of my blog (Be sure you let me know in your comment).

Have fun "Fling"ing with SITS today!!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

An Open Letter to the US Government

Over the last couple of decades, a significant amount of information has been released regarding the treatment of detainees in military camps for purposes of interrogation and obtaining confessions/information to procure homeland security in the US. The recent closing of one of the most infamous bases, Guantanamo Bay, gives testimony to the controversial reports of the denial of basic human rights.

I do not claim to be an expert on enemy combatants or on methods the military and/or the US government choose to use to obtain cofessions from these detainees; however, I do believe I can offer a successful alternative to any sort of interrogation method that may be considered cruel and inhumane. A method that will not cause any physical harm to one's actual being, but will surely drive a sane person crazy enough to confess to any number of crimes just to get a little relief from the psychological torture.

See, I recently embarked on a 12 hour (round trip) road trip with 3 small children strapped inside a shrinking (as it seemed to be getting smaller the longer we traveled) minivan. One of these children was buckled safely into her carseat directly behind my own seat.

I'm not a tall person by nature, far from long-legged, but I do actually HAVE legs which are attached permanently to my body and therefore these legs usually take up a small bit of space between the seat and the dash. My little one, positioned directly behind my seat, also has legs, which she felt the need to frequently stretch throughout the course of our journey, thusly using her feet to push against the back of my seat with all her tiny might.

My own seat was pulled forward far enough that I was practically married (in the biblical sense)to the dash, yet this still was not enough space for my daughter to stretch her legs WITHOUT pushing on my seat. Every 32 seconds or so. Once in awhile she even lodged a swift kick to my head rest. Pleasant.

If you've ever tried to read, carry on a conversation, or even nap with this activity going on behind you, you realize rather quickly how FREAKING.ANNOYING all the pushing and kicking gets. And any attempts to cease said activity is just an exercise in futility. Like a dog chasing his tail. Ya get nowhere. Sweet relief only came when the subject of the stretching/kicking/pushing fell asleep. For 5 minutes.

Few things can drive a person to the brink of insanity and loss of reason than this. Don't believe me? I challenge you to try it.

So here's my plan: take the detainees on a road trip. To the middle of nowhere. Where the most exciting pieces of scenery are the roadkill and the tumbleweed. Use some sort of Small Child Simulation Device to periodically push on and kick the back of the detainee's seat. Repeat the pushing/kicking action at frequent, yet irregular, intervals. For endless hours. Endless. Hours. And see if it doesn't have your criminals singing like a bird before day's end.

The reasons I feel my method is a viable alternative to garner confessions and enemy secrets are innumerable. But I'll attempt to numerate them.

First of all, due to the large number of detainees, many chauffeurs will be needed to drive these people around. BOOM! Jobs are created to give gainful employment to the unemployed.

Secondly, since you obviously can't use real children in this exercise, the development of an effective simulation device is crucial. You're going to need an enterprising entrepreneur (is that redundant?) to develop a Small Child Simulation Device (SCSD) with fake appendages that kick and push on the back of a seat. To make it even more mentally taxing, the SCSD should also occassionally emit sounds that emulate a toddler crying. Inconsolable screaming, even. BOOM! More jobs not only inventing, but also building the devices and making parts for the devices. The suffering economy is bolstered further.

Thirdly, NO ONE can claim that this type of psychological torment is inhumane because millions of Parents of Small Children experience this type of misery daily. It's a common exercise, albeit an unpopular one. Thankfully, parents typically are required to endure it only for short car rides. Trips to the store, taking the children to school, usually less than 10 minutes. But a full day of it? Hours upon hours of it? I guarantee it's effectiveness in driving a person crazy.

I truly hope you take my suggestion under serious consideration. I believe it provides a moderate compromise to a controversy between politicos, lobbyists, and activists at both ends of the spectrum, as well as offering some level of relief to a struggling economy.


Wednesday, March 4, 2009

World Wide Web Wednesday 03.04.09

Are you a Christian Hipster? (Thanks to my friend KP(G) for that one)

Some of my favorite "motivational" posters

99 things you should have already experienced on the internet unless you're a loser or old or something (another shout out to KP(G)- hope you don't mind!) By the way, apparently I'm a loser or old or something b/c I think I'm only at about 10% of these things.

Get a free Roast Burger @ Arby's when you buy a drink.

Getting back into the swing of things

It's funny how an impromptu 36 hour trip to "rustic" west Texas (1/3 of which was spent on the road) can totally throw off one's entire week. It's Wednesday and I STILL feel like I'm playing catch-up. Unfortunately, there are countless things I'd rather be doing besides what I actually HAVE to do.

I'm still shooting for posting my WWW Wednesday post today. I have just over 8.5 hours to get that one in before my self-imposed deadline. And I'm working on a post that will be an open letter to the US Military regarding treatment of terrorist detainees. You have the bleeding hearts on the left and the cold hearts on the right arguing over treatment of these criminals and I think I've discovered the perfect compromise. Stay tuned!

Until then, I have to continue my quest at work to clear my desk of paperwork- almost done!- and I plan to let the TV babysit the kids tonight whilst I chip away at the mountain range of laundry piled up in our den. Don't judge me. We had a great family night last night and Spring Break is coming, so even more quality time is on the horizon.

And what makes togetherness even more special than when it's spent after a short period of neglect?