Thursday, March 5, 2009

An Open Letter to the US Government

Over the last couple of decades, a significant amount of information has been released regarding the treatment of detainees in military camps for purposes of interrogation and obtaining confessions/information to procure homeland security in the US. The recent closing of one of the most infamous bases, Guantanamo Bay, gives testimony to the controversial reports of the denial of basic human rights.

I do not claim to be an expert on enemy combatants or on methods the military and/or the US government choose to use to obtain cofessions from these detainees; however, I do believe I can offer a successful alternative to any sort of interrogation method that may be considered cruel and inhumane. A method that will not cause any physical harm to one's actual being, but will surely drive a sane person crazy enough to confess to any number of crimes just to get a little relief from the psychological torture.

See, I recently embarked on a 12 hour (round trip) road trip with 3 small children strapped inside a shrinking (as it seemed to be getting smaller the longer we traveled) minivan. One of these children was buckled safely into her carseat directly behind my own seat.

I'm not a tall person by nature, far from long-legged, but I do actually HAVE legs which are attached permanently to my body and therefore these legs usually take up a small bit of space between the seat and the dash. My little one, positioned directly behind my seat, also has legs, which she felt the need to frequently stretch throughout the course of our journey, thusly using her feet to push against the back of my seat with all her tiny might.

My own seat was pulled forward far enough that I was practically married (in the biblical sense)to the dash, yet this still was not enough space for my daughter to stretch her legs WITHOUT pushing on my seat. Every 32 seconds or so. Once in awhile she even lodged a swift kick to my head rest. Pleasant.

If you've ever tried to read, carry on a conversation, or even nap with this activity going on behind you, you realize rather quickly how FREAKING.ANNOYING all the pushing and kicking gets. And any attempts to cease said activity is just an exercise in futility. Like a dog chasing his tail. Ya get nowhere. Sweet relief only came when the subject of the stretching/kicking/pushing fell asleep. For 5 minutes.

Few things can drive a person to the brink of insanity and loss of reason than this. Don't believe me? I challenge you to try it.

So here's my plan: take the detainees on a road trip. To the middle of nowhere. Where the most exciting pieces of scenery are the roadkill and the tumbleweed. Use some sort of Small Child Simulation Device to periodically push on and kick the back of the detainee's seat. Repeat the pushing/kicking action at frequent, yet irregular, intervals. For endless hours. Endless. Hours. And see if it doesn't have your criminals singing like a bird before day's end.

The reasons I feel my method is a viable alternative to garner confessions and enemy secrets are innumerable. But I'll attempt to numerate them.

First of all, due to the large number of detainees, many chauffeurs will be needed to drive these people around. BOOM! Jobs are created to give gainful employment to the unemployed.

Secondly, since you obviously can't use real children in this exercise, the development of an effective simulation device is crucial. You're going to need an enterprising entrepreneur (is that redundant?) to develop a Small Child Simulation Device (SCSD) with fake appendages that kick and push on the back of a seat. To make it even more mentally taxing, the SCSD should also occassionally emit sounds that emulate a toddler crying. Inconsolable screaming, even. BOOM! More jobs not only inventing, but also building the devices and making parts for the devices. The suffering economy is bolstered further.

Thirdly, NO ONE can claim that this type of psychological torment is inhumane because millions of Parents of Small Children experience this type of misery daily. It's a common exercise, albeit an unpopular one. Thankfully, parents typically are required to endure it only for short car rides. Trips to the store, taking the children to school, usually less than 10 minutes. But a full day of it? Hours upon hours of it? I guarantee it's effectiveness in driving a person crazy.

I truly hope you take my suggestion under serious consideration. I believe it provides a moderate compromise to a controversy between politicos, lobbyists, and activists at both ends of the spectrum, as well as offering some level of relief to a struggling economy.



  1. Beautiful! LOL ... I believe taking detainees on road trips w/ small children is a perfect way to address their issues LOL ... I LOVE the SCSD (Small Child Simulation Device) idea LMAO .. that's perfect ... and such a good idea -- may I suggest you patent that immediately! :)

    Thank you so very much for your comment on my Open Letter to the Little Sister ... You inspired me to try and make a meme out of it so I invite you to join in on "Open Letter" Fridays and post an open letter every Friday to anyone or anything ... then go to my open letter and post a comment w/ a summary and link back to your post ..

    Hope you join in ... either way I'm a fan and am adding you to my blogroll ...

  2. Oh, I SOOOO feel your pain! My 2 year old's seat is also right behind me - drives me NUTS!! Definitely a viable option for eliciting information!

  3. That is a great idea. They can include the drives with the music they play like Barneys I love you song.

  4. Yes! And don't forget about the child throwing a tantrum so heated that he starts to sob, which last so long that he causes himself to hack and cough, which in turn makes him throw up all over his front, the back of your seat, and anything within sight. It smells bad, too.

    Are you sure I can't interest you in a nice two-fer toilet seat? ;)

  5. I'm crackin' up.
    Thought of you tonight during American Idol. I happened to forget to fast forward through the commercials and caught one for the 09 Ford Focus and was cackling!

  6. Oh My Heck! This is perfect! Might I also suggest that a Disney Movie be playing in the back seat the entire time...over and over and over. From my experience Wall E would be an excellent choice!

  7. This is a GREAT Idea!! Nothing worse than getting kicked in the back by a toddler!!

  8. Hi!
    I'm just stopping by via SITS to say "hello".
    Have a great day!

  9. Oh this made me laugh!! How true it is though. For me on road trips I'm always in the back with any little ones. So what drives me insane is when they say "Let's play I Spy!" for the 2349th time. I am good for the first 2348 games, but a girl can only handle so much. :)

  10. This is absolutely brilliant! Think of the money saved! Think of national security improved as the terrorists spill their guts as they claw frantically to be released from the minivan... You could be on to something.

  11. You are a GENIUS, I knew it.
    You should run for an elected office!

  12. I think this is brilliant!!!! Nice thinking! Sorry about your trip though.


  13. THANKS! I am so glad that you reached out! It is amazing the number of Christian People that have.

  14. Genius idea!!! Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  15. Your idea rocks!!! I love your witty style.

    Thanks for visiting me today too!

  16. LOL I bet it would work wonderfully!

    Visiting from SITS. =)

  17. SO DARN FUNNY!!!! I love this!!! what's worse (maybe) is your kid kicking the seat in front of him on a plane ride (I know that man wanted to slug my precious little one):)

  18. TOO, TOO Funny!! This won the roltmh award. (Read Out Loud To My Hubby) reserved only for posts that have me laughing so loud, and so long that he says, "what?" "what?" "WHAT IS IT?"

    I found you doing the flip flop scavenger hunt (what a fun idea). Thanks for the laughs :)


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