An Open Letter to the US Government

Over the last couple of decades, a significant amount of information has been released regarding the treatment of detainees in military camps for purposes of interrogation and obtaining confessions/information to procure homeland security in the US. The recent closing of one of the most infamous bases, Guantanamo Bay, gives testimony to the controversial reports of the denial of basic human rights.

I do not claim to be an expert on enemy combatants or on methods the military and/or the US government choose to use to obtain cofessions from these detainees; however, I do believe I can offer a successful alternative to any sort of interrogation method that may be considered cruel and inhumane. A method that will not cause any physical harm to one's actual being, but will surely drive a sane person crazy enough to confess to any number of crimes just to get a little relief from the psychological torture.

See, I recently embarked on a 12 hour (round trip) road trip with 3 small children strapped inside a shrinking (as it seemed to be getting smaller the longer we traveled) minivan. One of these children was buckled safely into her carseat directly behind my own seat.

I'm not a tall person by nature, far from long-legged, but I do actually HAVE legs which are attached permanently to my body and therefore these legs usually take up a small bit of space between the seat and the dash. My little one, positioned directly behind my seat, also has legs, which she felt the need to frequently stretch throughout the course of our journey, thusly using her feet to push against the back of my seat with all her tiny might.

My own seat was pulled forward far enough that I was practically married (in the biblical sense)to the dash, yet this still was not enough space for my daughter to stretch her legs WITHOUT pushing on my seat. Every 32 seconds or so. Once in awhile she even lodged a swift kick to my head rest. Pleasant.

If you've ever tried to read, carry on a conversation, or even nap with this activity going on behind you, you realize rather quickly how FREAKING.ANNOYING all the pushing and kicking gets. And any attempts to cease said activity is just an exercise in futility. Like a dog chasing his tail. Ya get nowhere. Sweet relief only came when the subject of the stretching/kicking/pushing fell asleep. For 5 minutes.

Few things can drive a person to the brink of insanity and loss of reason than this. Don't believe me? I challenge you to try it.

So here's my plan: take the detainees on a road trip. To the middle of nowhere. Where the most exciting pieces of scenery are the roadkill and the tumbleweed. Use some sort of Small Child Simulation Device to periodically push on and kick the back of the detainee's seat. Repeat the pushing/kicking action at frequent, yet irregular, intervals. For endless hours. Endless. Hours. And see if it doesn't have your criminals singing like a bird before day's end.

The reasons I feel my method is a viable alternative to garner confessions and enemy secrets are innumerable. But I'll attempt to numerate them.

First of all, due to the large number of detainees, many chauffeurs will be needed to drive these people around. BOOM! Jobs are created to give gainful employment to the unemployed.

Secondly, since you obviously can't use real children in this exercise, the development of an effective simulation device is crucial. You're going to need an enterprising entrepreneur (is that redundant?) to develop a Small Child Simulation Device (SCSD) with fake appendages that kick and push on the back of a seat. To make it even more mentally taxing, the SCSD should also occassionally emit sounds that emulate a toddler crying. Inconsolable screaming, even. BOOM! More jobs not only inventing, but also building the devices and making parts for the devices. The suffering economy is bolstered further.

Thirdly, NO ONE can claim that this type of psychological torment is inhumane because millions of Parents of Small Children experience this type of misery daily. It's a common exercise, albeit an unpopular one. Thankfully, parents typically are required to endure it only for short car rides. Trips to the store, taking the children to school, usually less than 10 minutes. But a full day of it? Hours upon hours of it? I guarantee it's effectiveness in driving a person crazy.

I truly hope you take my suggestion under serious consideration. I believe it provides a moderate compromise to a controversy between politicos, lobbyists, and activists at both ends of the spectrum, as well as offering some level of relief to a struggling economy.

Sincerely,
Sturgmom